Lord of the Minks: The Two Towels
by in these chains
Summary: The Fellowship of Fools has been split up! Amelia went to Mordor, and Liana's been kidnapped with Merry and Pippin! The rest are with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. But have we REALLY seen the last of Liana when a camp pal appears with the Riders of Rohan?
1. Stimpy's Grumpeh

**Disclaimer: I didn't own _LoTR _in the _Fellowship_, and I do not own it now. Sorry abour the shortness, but I'm starting the next chapter as soon as I put this up! **

**NOTES: **Ah, so you have returned! Excellent! If you have not read _Lord of the Minks: Fellowship of the Fools_, I highly suggest doing so. Else you'll be completely in the dark. Okay, my friend Amanda will (hopefully) be writing the section of the story where Amelia's with Frodo and Same and Gollum, but since I don't want to, if she doesn't you're not getting that part of it. Sorry, folks, but it's the truth. Now, without further ado, I give you...

(MARQUEE! MARQUEE DAMMIT!)

_**LORD OF THE MINKS: THE TWO TOWELS**_

"I've got a luverly bunch of coconuts, and here they are a-standing in a row, deedle-ee-dee, big ones, small ones, ones the size of your head! And bigger!... Wow, that would be one fucking big coconut."

"Liana, shut _up!_"

Seriously, though, if a coconut was the size of an Uruk-Hai's head, that would be one MASSIVE coconut.

Okay, onto business. I was tied the same way Merry and Pippin were, and had been in the movie. For those of you who havent read the book, our ankles were tied as well. Mine were numb, which was nice, but once the ropes got undone, the sprain would start hurting again. Damn.

"Liana... must I explain this to you?" Pippin was looking very stressed out. "We are the prisoners of a bunch of big orcs. Orcs that could kill us with one hand. And you are insulting the size of their _heads_! In case you have YET to notice, THEY DON'T EXACTLY LIKE US!"

"Yeash, calm it!"

Poor guy looked like he wanted to kill me. I decided to be nice.

"I'm sorry."

Pippin just gave me a look that said "You're forgiven but only if you never talk again." Well, fuck that. But for now I'd shut up. He looked over to Merry.

"Merry!"

The Hottie Hobbit was unconscious with a gash on his forehead.

"_Merry!"_

Pippin looked at me helplessly, then at some orc who was drinking god-only-knows-what. Since I had watched the deleted scenes, I knew what he was going to do.

"My friend is sick!"

I looked at the sky, and would've examined my fingernails had they been available to me.

"He needs water! Please..."

And then Icky Orc Man started up. "Sick, is he? Give him some medicine, boys!"

I didn't even want to look as they poured whatever shit that was down poor Merry's throat. I could hear him choking and sputtering.

"Stop it!" yelped Pippin. "Leave him alone!"

The Orc rambled at Pippin and I didn't pay attention. I looked at Merry instead. And after a minute, so did Pippin.

"Merry?" he whispered.

Merry blinked tiredly. "H'lo, Pip. Liana."

"You're hurt...?"

"I'm fine," lied Merry. "It was just an act."

Pippin looked incredulous. "An act?"

Poor Merry tried to grin. "See? Fooled you too." His grin faded. "Don't worry about me, Pip."

I was _this _close to crying! They were so cuuuuuute! And then the moment was ruined as one of the orcs sniffed the air. I couldn't even see what was going on around the huge head of my orc.

"What is it? What do you smell?"

"Manflesh."

Eww...

"They've picked up our trail!"

"Aragorn," breathed Pippin to me, and we grinned at each other.

"LET'S MOVE!"

"OW OW OW OW OW OW - CAN YOU BE ANY MORE _GRACEFUL_?"

"Liana, be quiet!" Pippin bit his Lorien brooch and ripped it off his cloak, and then let it drop. A big smelly foot stomped on it, but I knew it didn't matter.

**LINE! LINE! LINE, DAMMIT!**

"Legolas, do they have Diet Pepsi in Isengard?"

"Diet what?"

"Pepsi! You know, carbonated dark beverage, growth-stunting, caffiene-hyped, virtually no nutritional value whatsoever?"

"I am sorry, Saria, I have not heard of it."

"Damn."

We were running after Merry and Pippin. And Liana. But she shouldn't have even GOTTEN captured in the FIRST place, since she knew what happened and stuff. But whatever. She's an idiot, we all know that.

Oh, yeah, I'm introtucing this part of the story, or whatever. I'm Stimpy, you must have met me in the last story. The slightly overweight cat who kept Liana out of trouble? Yes, that was me. I'm the only intelligent one out of the New Fellowship, which has now broken up thanks to the stupidity of Liana and the burning passion for Frodo of Amelia. But I digress. When they had gone to bury Boromir in the last fic, Molly and I had come out of the trees. We had also watched Amelia go across the river with Frodo and Sam. And now we were on our way, running after the comic relief duo. And Liana. But again, she should have known better.

Being cats, Molly and I were quite able to run alongside Aragorn, Rodney, Legolas, and Raina. Aragorn was very fit for a human, and of course, the other three were elves. Antony and Saria were not doing so well, and Gimli was about a half mile behind us at all times. Fat dwarf.

At the moment, Aragorn was lying down on the rock, listening to the vibrations of the orcs moving.

"Their pace has quickened... they must have caught our scent." Aragorn looked at the rest of us. "HURRY!"

Legolas stopped for a moment and looked behind him. "Come on, Saria, Antony, Gimli!"

Gimli fell off a sharp incline and stood up, using his axe as a walking stick. "Three day's and night's pursuit. No food, no r-"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP!" demanded Rodney irritably.

"Yeah, seriously, we don't need to be reminded," said Antony. Gimli glared at them.

Okay, running montage, running montage, running montage, aaaaaaand we stop. Aragorn bent down to pick up a leaf brooch.

"Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall," said Aragorn. Legolas stopped and turned to him.

"They may yet be alive."

"Less than a day ahead of us," said Aragorn. "Come."

"Come, Gimli! Antony, Saria, we're gaining on them!"

"I'm wasted on cross-country! We dwarves are –"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Rodney, Raina and Saria. We came up over a hill and Legolas ran ahead. Rodney and Raina followed him.

"Legolas, children, what do your elf eyes see?"

"The Uruks turned Northeast," said all three of them at the same time. "They're taking the hobbits to Isenguard!"

This reminded me of a little webmovie Liana had once showed me, and I started laughing quietly to myself.

"Steempy actually got hisself a sense o' humor, man?" asked Molly, coming up to me.

"No," I replied, and followed the three elves and Aragorn as they ran. Antony and Gimli were following behind us, and Molly trotted next to me.

Many things were said over the course of the next couple of hours, including:

"Keep breathing! That's the key! Breathe! Hoh..."

"They run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them!"

"COME TO JAMAICA AND FEEL ALL RIGHT!"

"YOU BASTARD, YOU TRIPPED ME ON PURPOSE!"

"It's like gym class all over again! RENNISEN, YOU BASTARD, I HOPE YOU DIE!"

Etcetera, etcetera. It would be a long trip to Rohan.


	2. The Riderette of Rohan

**Disclaimer: Folks. Must I say it? This is the second chapter of the second STORY in a three-story saga, the first story of which I stated NINE TIMES that I didn't own _LoTR. _I also said it last chapter. That makes this the eleventh time I said "I DO NOT OWN _LORD OF THE RINGS_." However true it may be, I dislike saying it. All right, folks, you want to know how many reviews I got? One. From my much-beloved friend 13ourladyofsorrows13, without whom you would not have your update. Will you guys PLEASE review?**

"Wait, wait, WAIT! DON'T THROW ME!...Oww..."

The orc, of course, threw me to the ground and I landed heavily on my side. I crawled over to Merry, and we were joined after a second by Pippin. Merry rolled over weakly.

"I think," he said, "we might've made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin."

Pippin grinned. I was beginning to think that going to the beach that day so long ago was a shitty idea.

The orcs began to chop down trees, and a creaky groaning came from the forest. Pippin looked from me to Merry.

"What's making that noise?"

Merry raised himself up on one elbow, looking around. "It's the trees..."

Pippin looked at him like he was insane. "What?"

"You remember the Old Forest? On the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall... and come alive."

"_Alive?"_

"Trees that could whisper... talk to each other... even move."

"Sounds like middle school... oh, no, wait, that's my teachers I'm thinking of," I muttered mainly to myself.

"Middle school?"

"What's that?"

"Living hell," I replied, and was about to elaborate, but I was interrupted.

"I'm starving," said one of the orcs. "We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days?"

"Yeah!" agreed the really gross bald slimy dude. "Why can't we have some meats?" He looked at us, and I grinned in a manner that had this been anime, those blue line thingies would've appeared on one side of my head. "What about them? They're fresssssh."

"They are not for eating!" said Ugluk, the really big nasty dude who made Merry and Pippin's lives hell in the book.

"Are _none _of you guys vegetariens?" I demanded. They ignored me, but Merry and Pippin gave me YOU ARE RETARDED glances, and probably would've said something, but then we were dragged to our feet by two orcs. "OW! GOD _DAMN _YOU, THAT FUCKING HURTS!"

"What about their legs?" asked Grishnak, the other really big nasty dude who also made Merry and Pippin's lives hell in the book. "They don't need those." Merry, stricken, looked down at his legs. "Ooh, they look tasty-"

"Get back, scum!"

"What he said!"

"Liana, shut up!"

"The prisoners go to Saruman! Alive... and _unspoilt._"

"That can't mean anything good."

"Liana, shut _up!_"

"Alive?" asked Grishnak. "Why alive? Do they make good sport?"

"No, I don't like sports. Especially after eighth-grade gym class-"

"_Liana, shut up!_"

"They have something... an elvish weapon. The Master wants it for the war."

"They think we have the Ring," whispered Pippin.

"_Shh!_" shushed Merry. "Soon as they find out we don't, we're dead!"

The really gross slimy dude came right up behind us. "Just a mouthful! A bit off the flank!"

Ugluk solved this problem by slicing off his head. I almost puked. "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!"

They shoved us out of the way and the three of us fell to the ground, Pippin and I looking back in disgust as intestines and god-knows-what-else flew from the "feast."

"Guys!" said Merry urgently. "Let's go!"

We started to crawl away, and I began to try to think what was wrong here. I was between Merry and Pippin, and I was trying to remember what happened, when a weight pressed down on my back. And then I remembered as Grishnak flipped me over.

"Go on, call for help!" He grabbed my face. "Squeal! No one's gonna save you now!" Oh, DISGUSTING! He had Rancid Breath! And then a spear pierced his back and I rolled out from under him.

All three of us looked. The Rohirrim were here! I started wildly looking around for the sharp rock they'd cut their ropes on in the movie, and was unsuccessful. A horse almost came down on Pippin, but he rolled out of the way. I tried to roll also, but my hand came down on a sharp rock.

"OW! Oh, wait, that's a good thing-" I started rubbing the ropes on the rock and they frayed and broke. Happy, I took the rock and cut my ankles free, and when I looked up, Merry and Pippin were nowhere to be found. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

I was so fucking dead.

"_Liana?"_

Or so I thought.

A girl on one of the horses was looking down, and I stood up, ignoring the pain in my ankle. "Who are you?" She pulled off her helmet and I gasped. "KATHLEEN! OHMYGAWD!" It was Kathleen from camp!

"Liana, what the hell are you doing here?" she demanded. "Here, grab my hand, I'll help you up-"

I gratefully took her hand and she pulled me onto her horse. "What are you doing here, Kathleen?"

"I don't know! I was filling out some ScanTron for school, and all of the sudden, I'm in Middle Earth! How did you get here?"

"A bunch of us were at the beach, and then we were in the middle of a bunch of trees. And then Aragorn comes out of nowhere!"

"YOU MET ARAGORN?"

"Um... ya."

"At what point?"

"Right after Arwen appeared and took Frodo to Rivendell."

"YOU'VE BEEN TRAVELING WITH THE FELLOWSHIP?" She looked extremely jealous. "Lucky! Oh, remember last year at camp when we made idiots of ourselves because our horse instructor had been one of the Riders of Rohan?"

"Yeah...?"

"Well, I found the one he played!"

We both started screaming. I was so excited. Life was good.

**LINE! LINE! LINE! LINE, GOD DAMN YOU!**

(Stimpy POV)

"A red sun rises," said Legolas melodramatically. "Blood has been spilt on this night."

Suddenly, we heard the sound of a bunch of horses approaching and dove behind a rock. Someone (I wasn't sure who) had landed on me, and I was in a considerable amount of pain. Once they had passed, Aragorn stood up.

"Riders of Rohan!" he yelled. "What news from the North?"

And badabing, we were circled with a bunch of spears. Eomer came forward.

"What business does three elves, a man, a dwarf, and two children-"

"And us," said Molly and I at the same time.

"-have in the Riddermark?" he asked, ignoring us. "Speak quickly!"

"Give me your name, horse master," growled Gimli, "and I shall give you mine."

"Wait!" said a voice from inside the crowd of horses. "Just wait a second!"

"_LIANA?"_ demanded basically everyone.

(Liana POV)

I grinned from my place on Kathleen's horse. "Heyya, guys."

"OHMYGAWD!"

"YOU'RE OKAY!"

"WE WERE SO WORRIED!"

"WE MISSED YOU!"

Once we had calmed down, Aragorn started talking again. "I am Aragorn, son of Aragorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, Legolas of the Woodland Realm, Raina of Lorien, Rodney of Rivendell, and Antony, Saria, Molly and Stimpy."

"And you already know me, Eomer," I said. "These guys are my friends."

"We found her in the middle of a bunch of Uruk-Hai," said Kathleen.

"We are friends of Rohan," said Aragorn. "And of Theoden, your king."

"I'm sure they know their own king, Arrie," said Raina.

"Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe," said Eomer, taking off his helmet. "Not even his own kin." The dudes pulled back their spears. "Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king and claimed lordship over this land. My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say, as an old man, hooded and cloaked." He looked at Legolas with an I-Don't-Trust-You-You-God-Damned-Elf look. "And everywhere his spies slip past our nets."

"We are no spies. We track a body of Uruk-Hai westards," said Aragorn. "The same from which you rescued Liana. They had taken her and two others captive."

"Liana here was the only one we saw," said Eomer.

"But there were two more hobbits!" said Gimli. "Did you see two hobbits with her?"

"They would be small," said Aragorn. "Taller than Liana, but still mere children to your eyes."

Eomer looked at the ground. "We left none alive."

Gimli stared. "Dead?"

"I am sorry. We piled the carcasses and burned them." He whistled. "Hasufel! Arod!"

"They'll need more horses than that, my Lord Eomer," said Kathleen. "How about the two we found?"

"Of course, young Kathleen," said Eomer. "Bring forth the new horses! Their names are Voc and-"

"Tumbleweed?" The brown horse with a black mane and tail trotted over to me. "TUMMY! OHMYGAWD! KATHLEEN, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME TUMBLEWEED WAS HERE!"

"I didn't know!"

Tumbleweed was from the stable I used to volunteer at! He had been a mean horse to everyone but me. Because I'm special and he loves me. And he was here! I hugged him.

"May these horse bear you to good fortune," said Eomer. "Better fortune, I hope, than that of the masters of Arod and Hasufel. Farewell." He pulled on his helmet. "Look for your friends, but do not trust a hope. It has forsaken these parts. We ride north!"

"Bye, Kathleen, see you at the end of the fic," I said, hugging her and hopping off the horse she was riding.

"Bye, Lindsay, darling." She left. I grinned and climbed onto Tumbleweed.

"Riding arrangements, folks?"

Legolas took charge. "Who here has ridden before?" Raina and I raised our hands. "All right, then I will take Arod, Aragorn, Hasufel, Raina, you take Voc, and Liana, you obviously already know Tumbleweed. Gimli, you may ride with me, Rodney, with Aragorn, Saria, with Raina, and Antony, with Liana. Stimpy, you go with Antony and Liana, and Molly, with Raina and Saria."

"Good thing Nicole's not here, huh?" I asked Antony as he climbed up. "She wouldn't want you on the same horse as her. Actually..." A mental picture of our friend Nicole knocking Antony off a moving horse came to mind and I started giggling. "Antony, I can't reach the stirrups with my feet, you can have them." Stimpy jumped up in front of me and we were on our way to the pile of orcs.

"HEYOOOOOO DIDDLY DOCK!" I "sang."

"HEYOOOOOO DIDDLY DOCK!" repeated Antony, Saria, Raina and Molly. Stimpy was looking at us like we were retarded, and Rodney was just laughing. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were looking very scared.

"I'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO MY BLOCK!"

"I'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO MY BLOCK!"

"WITH A PIZZA IN MY HAAAND!"

"WITH A PIZZA IN MY HAAAND!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"PIZZA MAN!"

"PIZZA MAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"HEYOOOOOO DIDDLY DOCK!"

"HEYOOOOOO DIDDLY DOCK!"

"I'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO MY BLOCK!"

"I'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO MY BLOCK!"

"WITH SOME NUNSHUCKS IN MY HAAAND!"

"WITH SOME NUNSHUCKS IN MY HAAAND!"

"I'M GONNA BE LIKE JACKIE CHAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE LIKE JACKIE CHAN!"

"JACKIE CHAAAN!"

"JACKIE CHAAAN!"

"PIZZA MAN!"

"PIZZA MAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"HEYOOO-"

"SHUT UUUUUUP!" yelled everybody who was not myself, Antony, Saria, Raina or Molly.

So rude. So evil. Tumbleweed snorted, as if agreeing with me.

"See? I'm always right," I said. "Tummy, you want to play I Spy?" He ignored me. "Oh, come on!" Still no answer. "Tummyyyyy?"

"Liana, you do realized that you're talking to a horse, right?" asked Antony.

"...So?" He just shook his head, and I became bored. "I think I'mma go bug Leggykins. HEY, ODETTE!"

"_Who?"_ asked Legolas and Antony at the same time.

"You look like Odette from _Swan Princess_. Haha. Hey, Rodney, remember when we were babysitting at the temple and we were watching it?"

"You mean, it was playing," said Rodney. "No one was watching it."

"True... anyways, Odette, I'm really bored and I want to do something but there's nothing to do and hey wait a second! We're supposed to be galloping!" We were walking, whereas in the movie, they had been galloping. "I'M GONNA BE THE FIRST ONE TO THE ICKY PILE OF DEAD ORCISH THINGS! GIDDYUP, TUMBLEWEED!" Heheh, I like saying giddy up.

"NO, LIANA, NONONONONONONONOOO!" yelled Antony as I urged Tumbleweed to a gallop. Hehe. Funtime.

"We can't let her beat us, Voc!" I heard Raina yell behind us. "I don' sink sooooo!" Voc began to gallop, too, and he passed us.

"Oh, no, you don't! Hold on, Antony, we're going faster!"

"_FASTER_?"

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I exclaimed as Tumbleweed galloped even quicker. Tumbleweed was one of the fastest horses at the stable, and he ran right past Voc with no trouble at all. "NYEH NYEEEH- AAH!"

Legolas and Gimli were right behind us, and Aragorn and Rodney right behind them.

"NONE SHAL BEAT TUMBLEWEED IN A RACE OF SPEED!" I yelled dramatically. But it seemed like Tumbleweed didn't feel like running anymore, because he stopped short and Antony and I almost pitched forward off him. "AAH, NO, TUMMY, NO!" I put on my best Yosemite Sam voice. "GIDDYUP! GIDDYUP, GIDDYUP!" I then pretended to whack Tumbleweed in the head. "WHEN I SAY GIDDY UP, I MEAN GIDDYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tumbleweed took off again.

So, we weren't first to the Icky Pile of Dead Orcish Things. We were last. Which is kinda like first, only not.

Gimli and Antony were the first off their horses. I think Rodney would've stumbled off too, except he was an ELF (BWAHAHAHAHAH!...I still have no idea why that's so funny) and could communicate with the horse or some shit like that. Gimli started rummaging through the dead burned orc things (GROSSSSSS!) and he pulled out a blackened Lorien belt.

"It's one of their wee belts," he said.

"Who says 'wee?'" I asked Raina in an undertone, and she giggled. Legolas began muttering in Elvish with his hand over his heart, and he just looked so cute that I had to be nice and not hug him. I heard a clunk and then Aragorn screamed. "OOH, ARRIE BROKE HIS TOOOOES!" I yelled, then covered my mouth. "Ooh, that was loud. No," I said to Antony and Raina, who were looking at me. Antony had never seen the movies, and Raina had never seen the special four disk edition. "During this part, Viggo Mortenson broke two of his toes kicking the helmet, and the actual moment where he breaks them is in the movie."

"Oooooh," they both said.

"We failed them," said Gimli sadly.

Aragorn looked at the dirt. "A hobbit lay here-"

"That was me," I said, trying to remember. "Merry was on my right, and Pippin was on my left. Actually, no, I'm stupid, PIPPIN was on the right, and MERRY was on the l-"

"They crawled," said Aragorn, ignoring me. How rude. He started to follow the tracks of us crawling, and Legolas, Gimli, and Antony were right behind him. Hah, Antony thought Merry and Pippin were dead. "One branches off here-"

"That was where I tried to roll and a sharp rock hit my hand," I said. He followed Merry and Pippin's trail, again ignoring me. Meanie. "Their hands were bound..." He picked up a frayed rope. "Their bonds were cut! The tracks lead away from the battle..." He stood. "...into Fangorn Forest."


	3. Technical Difficulties!

**Disclaimer: I own them! I own all of them! AAH! (Is bonked on the head by Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli, who put up a sign that says SHE DOES NOT. AND SHE IS SORRY FOR THE RIDICULOUSLY SHORT CHAPTER.)**

"Okay, I spy with my little eye-"

"A tree?"

"DAMN, YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS!"

"Oh, my god, Liana. Silly English knnnigget! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"What a strange person... we search for a Holy Grail! If your king would like to help us-"

"No thanks! We've already got one! (snicker) I told 'em we've already got one!"

"You guys are so weird."

"Why, thank you, dearest friend of tacky gilded picture frames!"

Rodney and I were bored our of our minds as I limped and everyone else walked through Fangorn Forest, and playing I Spy and reciting lines from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ was not un-boring us. I decided I had to do something to make everyone fear for their lives.

I put my finger to my mouth in a shushing motion to anyone who looked at me, and sidled up to Legolas, whose back was to me. Almost bursting into giggles, I took a breath, and-

"LEGGYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"Hello, Liana."

I deflated. "Damn you. How'd you know I was there?"

"I am an elf," he replied, as if that explained everything.

"Ooh, well, TERRIBLY sorry, Prince I'm-So-Beautiful-And-My-Long-Golden-Locks-Flow-In-The-Wind."

"Tell me, have I ever said that?"

"No."

"Then why do you call me that?"

"No."

"What?"

"No."

"Liana, what are you saying no to?"

"No."

He then got a look on this face that said I'm Gonna Outsmart Her. "Are you intelligent, Liana?"

"Yep!"

He growled and went to the back of the group, leaving me with Aragorn, who was being boring so I went to talk with Saria and Raina.

"Anyone know the date?"

"Nope," they both replied.

"Crap."

"Aragorn, nad no ennas," said Legolas suddenly.

"Man cenich?"

"The White Wizard approaches."

"Everyone get ready to jump out from behind the couch and yell SURPRI-" Aragorn clamped his hand over my mouth.

"Shh! Do not let him speak, he will put a spell on us," said Mr. Stinky Ranger Dude With Hands That Taste Really Bad. And I know this because I bit him, but he didn't even hiss in pain or anything, he just let me go. I grabbed Bloodsnow, because I wanted to be included in the tense, suspenseful moment that was going on, even though I was tempted to yell something random. I looked over at Saria, and I knew that she was too. Raina was looking curious, as if she'd forgotten this part of it, Antony nervous, Rodney relaxed, and Molly and Stimpy bored. I started humming tunelessly under my breath, and then came the moment we'd all been waiting for.

We turned around to "fight," but he screwed up our weapons and everything, and then we stood there, holding nothing.

"You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits."

"Congrats, you win a brand new twig," I said, gesturing at the many twigs on the ground.

"Where are they?" demanded Aragorn.

"They passed this way, the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?"

"Who are you?" said Aragorn quietly, then raised his voice. "Show yourself!"

And it was Gandalf.

"GANDYYYYY!" I screamed, going up and hugging him. Then I fell back. Everyone else was looking seriously disturbed. "What?"

"It cannot be!" exclaimed Aragorn as Legolas bowed. Hah. Idiot. "You fell!"

Blah blah blah blaaaaaahh. Point is, Gandalf's alive and there was a really sexy shot of Legolas in this part of the movie. Onto better things.

"One stage of your journey is over, another begins," said Gandalf as we exited the forest. "War has come to Rohan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed." He whistled, and Shadowfax came over in slow motion. Somehow, Tumbleweed, Voc, Arod, and Hasufel reappeared as well, and we all climbed onto them.

"Wait, I don't want to ride with Liana if we're galloping!" groaned Antony.

So Antony rode with Legolas, and I got to ride with Gimli. Whoop-de-friggin'-doo. For some reason, Tumbleweed was getting antsy as Gimli climbed up.

"Hang on," I advised him, and Tumbleweed began to gallop.

"I hate horses," Gimli muttered.

"Tummy?" I asked the horse quietly so dwarf boy couldn't hear me. "Did you hear Gimlikins? He hates you! When we get to Edoras you should bite him."

"Liana, do you honestly think the horse can understand you?" asked Stimpy.

"Well, that sounds stupid, coming from a TALKING CAT!" I steered Tumbleweed over to Rodney and Aragorn. "Hey, Rodney, do you like riding with Aragorn? Cuz I have noseplugs if ya need them."

Aragorn glared at me, and I grinned angelically. "Okay, okay, I lied, I don't have any noseplugs. I sowwy, Arrie. You know I love you."

"You disturb me," said Rodney frankly.

"Yes. Yes, I do." I grinned and turned Tumbleweed around so we were trotting to the back of the group, where Raina wasn't over exerting Voc at all. In fact, the horse was just barely trotting. "Hey y'all."

"I miss Allie and Haley and Chloe and Max," she said. Those are her cats.

"Aww, I'm sure they miss you too, Raina," I said, leaning over to give her a hug and falling off Tumbleweed. "OW, FUCK!"

Everyone who is not me, INCLUDING THE HORSES, started laughing as I stood up. My ass hurt.

"Gim-Gim, help me back onto the horse," I grumbled to the guffawing dwarf. He stuck out his hand with obvious reluctance and I sort of walked up Tumbleweed's side, since I was a hobbit. Damn it. "People suck," I said out loud.

"I quite agree," said Stimpy. He carefully pawed his way next to me and dug through my messenger bag. I talked obsessively to Tumbleweed, and annoyed Gimlikins to no end. And then when Tumbleweed tuned me out, I decided to annoy other people. I rode up to Legolas and Antony.

"Having fun riding with Leggy Muffin, Antony?" I asked him. "If you weren't such a shitty rider, I'd switch places with you, but you're as bad as Gimlikins."

"Please, Liana, I would rather have wooden spoons driven into my eyes," said Legolas.

"I can arrange that," I said cheerfully. He glared at me and Antony laughed. "Well, fare thee well, Leggy Muffin, for I feel the need to skip ahead to our entrance into Edoras!"

So I did.

"Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld," said Gandalf. "There dwells Théoden, King of Rohan, whose mind is overthrown. Saruman's hold over King Théoden is now very strong."

"OHMYGAWSH, LOOKIT THE CUTE ICKLE COTTAGES, RAINA!" I squealed, causing Tumbleweed to bolt. "ERLACK! NO, STUPID! STOP RUNNING! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEE!" Behind me, Gimli was yelling as well. "WHOA, TUMMY, WHOOOOA!" But the crazed horse wouldn't stop. "CITIZENS OF EDORAS! DO NOT BE ALARMED, FOR THE ALMIGHTY MARSUPIAL QUEEN'S IDIOT HORSE IS JUST EXPERIENCING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES AND WILL BE BACK ONLINE AS SOON AS OUR WEBMASTER ADDRESSES AND FIXES THIS PROBLEM!"

I really don't think they were alarmed so much as disturbed.

So, eventually, we made it to the big castle place, and Tumbleweed pranced nervously until the rest of the Possum Posse arrived.

"Can you _please _maintain some control over that animal?" groaned Legolas. "I've half a mind to make you ride with me!"

I gasped. "No, Mommy, I don't wanna go get my braces tightened! DADDY!" I threw my arms around Tumbleweed's neck. "DON'T LET HER TAKE ME TO THE ORTHODONTIST, DADDY!"

"You're going to make this idiot of a horse bolt again!" grumbled Gimli.

"No, Gim-Gim, he just doesn't like you," I said. "You should get off him."

With obvious relief, Gimli did, and Tumbleweed didn't take my advice and bite him, obviously because Gimlikins had ARMOR on. Damn it all to hell.

"I guess it's time to get off the horses?" said Rodney unnecessarily as we all began to dismount. I looked at him like he was stupid.

"Rodney... that would be a microwave."

We both started laughing and everyone else just looked confused.


End file.
